Still not ready

So, I'm still not ready to talk about the details because it's too overwhelmingly emotional for me but I figured if anyone who reads my blog would like to know what's going on with baby, here's a short(er) update.

I had a doctors appointment on Tuesday and got fantastic news. I was scheduled in to be induced this week!

However, the day came.. with many complications.. and many other women that became priority over me and my baby.. and my doctor left for a vacation and no other doctor wanted to deliver for me.. then the day left.. after a million phone calls and hours of anxiety I am heart broken to say, I still haven't met my little one yet. That makes two weeks in a row of this emotional roller coaster and I am struggling. She won't get to wear the matching Easter dress we bought her and Lilly. Nor the bunny beanie we commissioned my sister to crochet for her for the holiday. We won't be able to wrap her up with the blankie and bunny we put in her first Easter basket. I'll have to go to family parties and be asked by a million people why the heck I'm STILL pregnant.

I'm sceduled to be induced this coming week now. Big whoop. Who knows if it'll actually even happen. I'll be 41 weeks pregnant and I can't imagine being more exhausted. I'm huge. I run on 2-3 hours of interrupted sleep a night. And the longer I'm pregnant the bigger this baby gets. I'm so done. I've been done for a long time now.

I should be grateful that I can be pregnant. That she will be healthy and no matter what. That there IS an end to pregnancy. But this is still one of the hardest things I've gone through physically, and I'm still trying to figure out what God is trying to teach me.

BLEHHHHH.

It's probably a bad idea for me to write this post while I'm still in the midst of all my negative emotions, but...

I am in my 39th week of pregnancy. I had my first "check" at the doctor's today and was hoping for good news like "Great job mom! You're ready to go! Let's deliver this baby sometime this week. Pick a day - any day!"

Just a little background story for you.. My first pregnancy (the one before this one) made me wish I could die every day because of how sick I was. When my everyday/all day sickness subsided at around six months, I felt pretty great. It was still hard being pregnant, but my favorite thing was being a tan, full term mommy in the middle of summer sportin' a belly in a bikini by the pool! I loved being 9 months pregnant, and never really wished my pregnancy would end. (Keep in mind here, I had never experienced a contraction and weighed 119 the day I had the baby!) My first "check" that time around was at 37 weeks, and to my surprise, I was already dilating. We set the day to be induced and everything went better than I could've ever imagined. A week later, we had a gorgeous little girl!

Sooooo, here I am in my second pregnancy (which has turned out to be a lot harder than the first) at 39 weeks, and guess what news the doctor gave me? "Well, there's nothin' goin' on down there! Looks like we'll have to see you again in a week!" I was already mad that I'm one week from my due date and hadn't been checked before this point. Plus, w.t.h. is up with going into labor 3 weeks early last time and now, being no where close to it when I'm huge and in pain all the time?! I honestly fully expected to set an induction date today. I've been having really painful contractions all week, not to mention the hundreds of practice contractions everyday for months. I won't go into detail about the other changes in my bodily functions, but really. 100% shock not being able to have this baby. I want her out of me YESTERDAY! There's no "extra time to catch up on sleep and all the freedoms you won't get to enjoy once she's here". I'm lucky to get two consecutive hours of sleep nowdays, and my freedoms are severely dampened when entertaining a 20 month old all day. I'm already past my full term weight from the last pregnancy. I only made it this far because I told myself everyday "One more week. You can last one more week!" Now what am I going to tell myself?! I'll tell you what I've already told myself. "You may now eat all the junk food and crap you want because this baby is going to be in there past your due date. So pig out, lounge around and feel bad for yourself every single day until she comes."

The end.

Final pregnancy updates!

Remember when I filled out a little questionnaire back when I was 19 weeks pregnant? Well, I thought it'd be neat to do again now that I'll be having the baby sometime in the next two weeks! Some questions are the same and some are different than last time. We're getting more and more excited as the days go on!

How old are you: 21
When are you due: March 28th, 2013
How far along are you: 38 weeks!
How much weight have you gained: 25 lbs
Are you showing yet: like a whale!
Was this planned or unplanned: Unplanned for me, planned for daddy! Haha
Belly button in or out: Out out out!
Happy or moody: Happy but always exhausted.
Is this your first pregnancy: Nope
How old are your other children: Lillian is 20 months old.
What is the gender of baby: A GIRL!!! :D
You pee an estimated__times a day: Ten, maybe more. With constant contractions I always feel like I have to pee!
Latest food craving: The chocolatiest of all chocolate shakes!
Who do you think the baby will look like: After our last ultrasound, I compared Lilly's ultrasound pictures to this baby's and they looked different! This one has a pointier nose, so I'm hoping she looks like me :) Lilly looks just like her daddy so it'd be fun to have a mini Shelby too!
Favorite thing about being pregnant at this point: The look of my round tummy in shirts and dresses.
Least favorite thing at this point: Ooh, there's a few! Constant fatigue, even my pregnancy pants are too tight, all the extra weight and fat I'm carrying makes me feel unattractive, my back, hips, pelvis and legs always hurt, she kicks right above my belly button and it killlllls, I get super itchy when I try to sleep because of the swelling from water retension... the list goes on! Haha.
One thing you've missed since being pregnant: Being able to jump and dance and run - basically being active and being able to move like a normal human being.
Any stretch marks: All the ones from my first pregnancy (which is like a gazillion) but only two new ones from this time around (thank goodness!) One above my belly button and one on my right calf.
Is the nursery complete: No, we need to paint her crib and get a changing pad, but other than that, yes!
Is there a theme: Yes, she and Lilly are sharing a room. The colors are silky lavender, black and white floral patterns and silver highlights. It's gorgeous, if I do say so myself!
Medicated birth or natural: If all goes to plan, I'll be induced and have a reeeeeaal nice epidural waiting for my beckoning call! :)

Suffering with Pica

Ever heard of those weird pregnant women with CRAZY cravings? I'm not talking about the pickles and ice cream combo, I mean the women who crave dirt and laundry detergent.

That's me.

Well, not the dirt part. But walk me down the cleaner or laundry isle in the grocery store and you will have to drag me out of there! During both my pregnancy with Lilly and my current pregnancy I have craved non-nutritional/non-food substances. This is a condition called Pica. My cravings with my first pregnancy were fewer and spread out over more time. I craved toothpaste, any lemon scented cleaner and ice. Nothing too out of hand, and quite common for people with an iron deficiency (which would be most pregnant women). I thought I was in the clear when halfway through this pregnancy I had no such cravings. And then it hit me... seven months pregnant and Pica came back with a vengeance! Not only do I crave toothpaste, lemon scented cleaners and pebble ice, but also David's sport body wash, Clorox disinfecting wipes, dish soap, dish-washer detergent, fabric softener dryer sheets, lavender baby powder, the gritty texture and smell of my exfoliant, and gasoline. As for the title of this post, I really wouldn't consider myself as "suffering" through these cravings because let's be honest.. it's really, REALLY satisfying every time I get a whiff of one of those things! The only part that makes "suffering" applicable is wishing I could bathe in cleaner, brush my teeth with my exfoliant and drink gasoline... even though, in reality, I know it would all actually be discusting. Because I know how harmful they'd all be to ingest, I fill my cravings other ways. I guess you could say that I'm now obsessed with cleaning, brushing my teeth and showering (even more so than I am when I'm not pregnant! For those who know me well, this would be hard to believe). I take AT LEAST two showers a day; I'm guilty of carrying a dryer sheet around with me and every time I pass my kitchen sink I open one of my cleaners to smell it.

Onto the more statistical parts of Pica - less than 25% of women suffer from it during pregnancy. It was reassuring to me to read what other women have experienced craving- things like soil, clay, laundry starch, ice, ashes, plaster, paint chips, matches, permanent marker and coffee grounds.

I remember showering at home for the first time after having Lilly. I was so disappointed that my toothpaste didn't taste very good to me anymore. It's pretty amazing how quickly our hormones change us. Hopefully I'll still find the time and motivation to shower and clean after this little one is born! I hear two kids is going to be pretty tough!

Meh... BRING IT ON! :)

BOM

At church, this last Sunday, our Gospel Essentials class was about the scriptures and why they're important in our lives. I guess it really stuck with David, because the next day, he came home from work and offered me a challenge to read the entire Book of Mormon, aloud, together, in one month! I accepted and we immediately began studying. Each day, we have to read a minimum of nine chapters in order to make our goal. I can say it definitely is a challenge, but more than anything, it's been a blessing, and we've only been reading for three days.
Lately, David and I have really been struggling with our patience for Lilly. She is constantly testing her boundaries with us and throws loud, mean tantrums when she doesn't get her way. She's also learning to sleep in a toddler bed and hardly eats the food we give her. With a new baby coming and with all the illness I've been dealing with, I become anxious and overwhelmed quite easily; I feel like I have no energy or physical capability to handle her behavior. By reading the B.O.M. diligently, David and I are praying that Heavenly Father will give us more patience and love.
I was called to be an advisor in the Young Women program in our ward back in November and again, because of the pregnancy and related illnesses I haven't been able to attend to or fulfill my calling as fully as I've wanted to. David is the Elders Quorum Secretary and has a difficult time calling members because of his busy schedule. By reading the B.O.M. we are hoping Heavenly Father will help us have the time and energy to fulfill our callings the way we would like to.
Lastly, we want to have the spirit with us and within our home more noticeably. We would like to receive inspiration, comfort and guidance from our Heavenly Father, and we believe that by reading the B.O.M. He will provide our family with such.
I'm grateful for a husband who encourages me to become better and who has such a strong testimony of the Lord's true gospel.

By March fourth I will write another post to share my experiences about this challenge again. And anyone who feels prompted to take up this challenge or one like it should do so! I'd love to hear how reading the scriptures has benefitted your life as well.

FYI

WARNING: You are about to enter the insights of a hormonal female who's own body has been providing food and shelter to another human being for nearly eight months. Proceed with caution.

Just incase anyone is wondering, pregnancy is hard. REALLY HARD. Like, the hardest thing I have ever gone through (physically, at least, which then contributes to the emotional hardship of it all.)
I was just reading the blog of a mother who used to get annoyed when new mothers would complain about how tired they always were.. and then she got pregnant herself. She realized that women are tired LONG before their babies are born, and that the whole 10 months prior to the birth of a baby, most moms hardly sleep at all, even though pregnancy is one of the times in a woman's life that she needs MORE sleep than normal. In the comments section of this woman's blog, another girl criticized her, saying she was overbearing, neurotic and needed to calm down and enjoy her pregnancy more.. I would just like to say, that if someone has never been pregnant, or has only had an "easy" pregnancy (that would be you, if you read about other pregnant womens' complaints and have no clue what they're talking about or feel no sympathy for them) then you have no right to judge the complaints of another mother. I should also add that even if you've been pregnant once, try it again and see the difference.. it's huge. And maybe you should have another pregnancy on top of taking care of your other two children. Try telling anyone after that that you aren't tired and have no complaints. I complain a lot, and trust me, I hold back! If I was constantly stating how crappy I felt, there wouldn't be a silent moment my entire pregnancy long. So next time you hear a mom voice her hardships, have sympathy. Someday, karma may make you regret being insensitive and unbelieving.

Vacation

I really need a vacation. Not just any ol' vacation.. I mean one from all responsibilities like motherhood, church callings, homemaker, being an adult in general, everything. I'm ready to be skinny and feel like a normal human again who has control over my own body and emotions. The beach is my happy place and I can't even remember the last time I was there.. It would be so nice to go on a cruise to a warm, sunny, Carribbean island and run around a soft, sandy beach. Just to be able to turn off sections of my brain, and completely relax for once. No anxiety, no stress, no ACID REFLUX. To get a good nights sleep - uninterrupted. No crying children, no waking up every time I have to switch from my left side to my right. No getting up to pee every three hours. No back or hip or leg or pelvic pain. To be able to sleep on my back and stomach again! No laundry or dishes or vacuuming up crackers that got stepped on and mashed into the carpet. No writing checks and constantly paying bills. No need to spend hours on hair and makeup just to be dissatisfied with the results. No need to wear painful and uncomfortable clothes to avoid judgement. I just want to be with David. Talking and laughing and swinging on a hammock. Drinking giant icy piña coladas like we did on our honeymoon...
I feel like I'm going crazy.

Yes. A vacation is what I need.

Getting Close!

This week I am 30 weeks pregnant. I can't believe how quickly the time has flown by! People are still hesitant to even ask my husband whether I'm pregnant or not (which is absurd to me because I've felt huge for a while now, but at least they're trying to be polite!) Second pregnancies are extremely different than firsts, in my book. Because I've "been there, done that" things are less of a shock. I'm not constantly aware of every change that takes place in my body and most of the time I'm so busy taking care of Lilly that I don't pay much attention to the kicks and squirms I feel throughout the day. In a way, this makes me feel really guilty. I've only taken one picture of my belly this whole time and it was 11 weeks ago.. which is sad because I have less time than that left of the entire pregnancy! I promise I still love this little girl as much as I love my Lilly-bug!

Anyway, I really wanted to write because I was so excited that we were finally able to see her sweet face at our last ultrasound! It's kind of sad missing out on that part until your pregnancy is more than halfway over. We've had to have quite a few ultrasounds for a couple of reasons (outside of the regular sizing and due date, 20 week check and the gender check which we always opt for.) The first reason is no surprise to me, because we had the same issues with Lilly's pregnancy. As much as my babies twist and turn when I'm this far along, earlier in both pregnancies the Ultrasound Technician has told me to drink a coke and eat a candy bar before I go in, in order to give my babies some energy. With this baby, it was a little different, because she wouldn't turn over no matter how much we pushed and poked her, and I was only feeling her kicks on the right side of my stomach - hence, the delay on seeing her face. So the tech was just a little worried about her movement. The second reason is to check the placenta. It looks like I've got "Placenta Previa" which means I have some scar tissue that is holding the placenta over the birth canal.. to a lot of people this sounds like no biggy but what that means for me is that I may have to have a c-section if things don't change. Big deal to me! Especially because Lilly's birth went so quickly and so well, I would be really bummed to be able to have an easy birth with this one but couldn't because of one little factor. C-sections to me mean harder recovery and a big ol' scar that I get to deal with. (Don't try to convince me not to be worried about these, because people have tried and I am stubborn.. it doesn't work.) Anyway, we're just hoping and praying over here that things change. Here's the picture of my little sweety and her beautiful face! Can't wait to see it in person!!

Life is good.

Repeating myself here.. Life is GOOD! For some reason I just feel it today. I'm just amazed at all the blessings Heavenly Father has given me. I'm so grateful to live in a warm apartment and to have plenty of warm clothes to wear when I have to go outside. I'm grateful for the ward here and the people I work with. They bring out the best in me. I'm grateful for David's job and his hard work everyday - providing not only necessities but our wants as well. I'm grateful to live so close to churches and temples and that I can attend them regularly and without consequence. I'm grateful to live in such a safe, beautiful town, where there are so many genuinely good people. I'm grateful for food! I'm so thankful I am healthy and that my family is healthy. I'm tremendously thankful for a car! And the generosity of our loved ones who have provided more things for our family than I could ever have asked for. Most of all, I'm thankful for my sweet husband David, my silly daughter Lillian and the opportunity I have to be carrying the newest little blessing in our lives. What a beautiful thing families are. I'm so excited to watch ours grow - to build strong relationships and fond memories! I'm grateful for LOVE! Life, truly, is good.

2012 At a Glance

I know I'm a lucky girl when I can say that the year we're all about to leave was one of the best years of my life. I feel as though I've changed in many ways- hopefully for the better overall. It's wonderful to reflect back and not have regrets or painful memories. That being said, of course, I didn't do everything right or accomplish many goals; I had bad days and there are a lot of things I'm still looking forward to changing. That's why this New Year's Eve I'm going to record my first "resolutions" and do my best to stick to them.

I want to summarize a few of my favorite memories from the year. (Unfortunately the computer with all of my pictures is down..)

In February, for Valentine's Day, David introduced me to the wonderful world of seafood dished up right! We had dinner at Red Lobster for my first time. The highlight of that memory, for me, were the huge piña coladas we ordered which came in giant martini glasses (David and I really value our specialty drinks!)
A week later, my twentieth birthday came along. It was easily the most enjoyable birthday I've ever had! I woke up to a clean house, a few presents and cinnamon rolls! David then took me shopping for a few hours when we got invited to go rock climbing with David's uncle Danny and his children. After tons of fun, we headed to my inlaw's for pizza and gifts. I got to finish the night off with a free shake from Iceburg and lots of cuddle time with my sweet lil family :)

In March, David transferred jobs to where he currently works at McGees Stamp and Trophy. He loves what he does and the people he works with and that makes such a difference in our lives!

On June third, our Lillian was able to be blessed by David. It was such a sweet experience for me as a mother, to hear the blessings our Heavenly Father wants to give his (and my) beautiful little girl, through her Earthly father.

The summer was so much fun as a whole. My favorite memories consist of snow cones, mid-night walks, four square, fireworks, and volleyball in our swimsuits! I especially loved the Martin family reunion at the Crystal Hot Springs and the Sommers family reunion at Bear Lake (which also happened to be my first time in Idaho!)

Lilly's first birthday was July 21st and we celebrated it with dinner, cake and presents in my parents beautiful backyard. David's family drove up to Heber to join us for the afternoon. We couldn't have asked for more perfect weather or company :)

Only a week and a half after my little girl's special day, I found out she was to become a big sister! I tied the positve pregnancy tests together with pink and blue ribbon and wrote "you've got mail" on their backs. After packaging them up and planting the box (addressed to David) in our mailbox, I eagerly waited for him to find it during his daily routine to get the mail with Lilly. His lunchbreak was nearly over, and he still hadn't gone outside, so I suggested he do so.. he replied with a "no, I'd rather stay here and cuddle with you." I panicked instantly.. I was sure my plan was foolproof! So then I suggested it again and went with him. He was thrilled when he found the good news out!

September rolled around and we set a date to have our family sealed in the Manti temple. (Read separate post for details.) As anyone could imagine, the sixteenth was a monumental day for us. It was especially fun to announce to our loved ones that we were expecting an addition to our family!

David's favorite holiday is Halloween, so by October our apartment was decked out with lights and candy and fun decorations. We had also been working hard to finish our costumes on time. We were a family of vikings, which paid off (literally) because Lilly won the mall contest, earning us a fifty dollar gift certificate!

Aaaand I hate to sound lazy but I've typed this whole thing with a stylus one key at a time.. so to sum up the holidays, we were blessed to be able to share them with both mine and David's family, which is of course, the best part!

I give all thanks to my loving Heavenly Father, who is mindful of me as an individual. He has answered my many prayers and surrounded me with wonderful people. I am looking forward to the new year and all the adventures it has to bring!