Understanding/Changing

Today, I'm going to write more of a journal entry about something I feel very strongly about. This information is quite personal, but I hope that those who read it will also make the same goal as myself - to try to be more understanding and forgiving of others - because we don't always know what they may be struggling with.

Most of the people I interact with on a daily basis today are people I've known for two years or less. That's because the majority of my new friends, are my new family! I have been so blessed to marry into a family that enjoys being together, eating together, and celebrating together so often. As much as I love everyone and this dynamic of their lives, I get discouraged because I grew up in a family quite different than David's. My family (the Czirbans) are beautiful, wonderful people, and I have always had an intense love for my parents and siblings. I am number 6 of 7 children - 6 girls and 1 boy. Since I can remember, we haven't spent holidays with our extended family, and now that my parents are empty-nesters, we rarely get-together as siblings to spend time together and catch up. For some reason, God instilled a unique personality within me, where I've always felt comfortable telling people I love them, giving hugs, and expressing my feelings openly. I say that is unique because growing up, most members of my family were not this way. Because of my need for constant affirmation of love, it was easy to become discouraged about family members, or more so about myself. I have a tendency to turn inward and personalize things that may not have been meant to do any damage.

When I became a teenager, I noticed my outward personality change from a bright countenance to one that was nearly impenetrable by hope or love. As my moods steadily sunk deeper I chose to be pro-active and began seeing a therapist. Luckily for me, after trying only two counselors out, I found a woman who I felt comfortable with. Keep in mind I was only 13 at this time. As we met and uncovered many issues I needed to work through, she diagnosed me with two (devastating yet validating to me) mental disorders. The first being Dysthymia. This disorder is a chronic depression which occurs in approximately 5% of the general population and affects women more often than men. It is usually passed down genetically (which happens to be the case in my family.) and is a constant state of low or dark moods, instead of the rollercoaster affect many other types of depression cause. People with Dysthymia have low self-esteem and problems seem harder to solve than they are in actuality.
The second disorder I was diagnosed with is Social Anxiety Disorder or Social Phobia. It seems pretty self explanatory, but goes much deeper than most people probably expect. S.A.D. is "characterized by intense fear in social situations causing considerable distress and impaired ability to function in at least some  parts of daily life." ...it "involves a persistent, intense, chronic fear of being judged by others and of being embarrassed or humiliated by one's own actions." There are many physical side effects that correlate such as (listing ones I personally struggle with) blushing, sweating, panic attacks, heart race, and avoiding social interaction in general. Often times this leads to coping mechanisms that are harmful and addictive in a wide range, which I have also struggled for years with.

The point of me publicizing such personal issues is that I hope people who interact with me may understand a little bit more about why I am the way I am. If I have offended you or bothered you in anyway, especially if it be by how self-conscious I am, by my obsessions with vanity, by choosing not to participate in a game you've chosen to play, if I have "bailed" on plans with you, or have avoided a friendship that could have taken place, I'm truly sorry and am working everyday to overcome my struggles.

In learning to understand myself, I have been taught that I need to be as kind and understanding to others as I would hope they'd be to me. No one's family is perfect. No individual is perfect and we are all struggling with different addictions, disorders and trials. I can only hope that by changing myself, I can see a change in the world. That I can be of more service to those around me. That I'll be more aware of the needs of others. That my tongue will be used to bless lives instead of as a sword. I hope that if I have wronged you, that you may find it in your heart to forgive me, and that I too may become a more forgiving person.